#i dont think im able to keep anyone happy. im so bad at this stuff. but also its everyone elses fault for suddenly making me a prophet

[chuulyssa]

🇨​​ 🇴 ​​🇳 ​​🇫​​ 🇪 ​​🇸​​ 🇸 ​​🇮 ​​🇴 ​​🇳​ ！

BSD MEN REACTING TO A CONFESSION.

↷ A/N ─ yes new divider again because im indecisive as heck

★ FT. ─ dazai , chuuya , ranpo , akutagawa , atsushi , fyodor

!! TAGS ─ mentions of suicide, insecurities, overall fluff

"i love you."

ᴅᴀᴢᴀɪ.

promptly replies with, "i love you too."

he'll lean into you with an amused smile because he lowkey thinks you're joking

when he realizes you're serious about it he'll immediately stop the stupid grin

and look at you with this sincere look you've never seen on his face before

he'll hold your hand and everything while repeating "i love you too," for a second time, only this time he's serious about it too

definitely asks for double suicide later

"You know it's my motto to unalive myself with a beautiful woman. How lucky of you to have been bestowed upon this honour."

"Mhm."

"I'll say yes if you join me in a double suicide," he asks with puppy eyes.

"Dazai, you already said yes."

"I'll say it again!"

​ᴄʜᴜᴜʏᴀ.

he stops abruptly and half chokes on his expensive ass wine

poor boy is really confused 😭 because "where did that come from??"

he tries to play it cool but he's literally SCREAMING inside

we all know he's been betrayed a lot of times in the past so he feels hesitant about it

will decide to give it a shot tho

100% calls dazai to brag about it

"You may be taller or whatever (as if that matters in the first place) but were you the one able to steal her heart? Eh? I think not!"

You chuckle hearing him update his rival of his new relationship status.

"And anyway," he raises a glass of wine for toast. "I'd like to thank my good looks, good looks and did I mention my good looks (?) for making tonight the happiest night ever."

ʀᴀɴᴘᴏ.

"i know."

he has always observed every single thing about you - how you behave around others vs how you behave around him, the little times you look at him like you want his attention etc etc

he's known about this since like soooo long

he defo also knew when where and how you were gonna confess

went to yosano for tips to react to it and bought you chocolates and stuff. he thinks it'll make you happy :D

eats all of that himself even tho he originally bought it for you but you let it slide because he's a cutie patootie

"You could at least have been a bit subtle about it," he says, munching on his chips. "I mean, anyone who saw you would've been able to guess. I didn't even need my ability for this!"

He lifts his chin up thoughtfully, fingers ripping open another packet of snacks. "You should be grateful I'm not a snitch. Eh, well," he shrugs, "You're now dating the greatest detective in the world! Congratulations!"

ᴀᴋᴜᴛᴀɢᴀᴡᴀ.

"eh???"

like chuuya, he's pretty confused too

"are you sure?"

tries to keep a straight face and hide his fluster

he'll narrow his eyes at you as if he's trying to read your emotions. he doesn't wanna get hurt if he gets too attached to you and you two end up breaking up

also how tf is he supposed to believe that someone like YOU like someone like HIM?

reassure him that he's perfect please :( poor baby deserves the world

"I am a lot of work. I don't think you can keep up with all of that," he says shortly.

"I'll try my best."

"You don't have to."

"But I want to!"

He stares at you for a few moments, looking like he's about to cry.

"Oh, alright then," he waves a hand around. "But don't you ever leave me."

ᴀᴛꜱᴜꜱʜɪ.

screams

"SAY IT AGAIN PLEASE!"

jumps around everywhere in happiness

you dont even get a verbal answer the man's just dancing around

either that or he just faints

he's, like akutagawa, insecure about himself. but he's much more open to showing his emotions to you.

you end up cuddling the whole night or he calls off work to be with you for the rest of the day <3

"I..." he repeats the same word for the fifth time in a row.

"Yes?"

"Don't mind me, I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that I get to date you."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, no!" he panics, wringing both hands all over himself hastily. "I love you! Really!"

ꜰʏᴏᴅᴏʀ.

no reaction. im sorry

spares a small glance at you but otherwise doesn't get distracted from his work

you think he's gone deaf from the way he just ignored you cuz what????

will spend like 15 minutes that way before extending an arm to you and you lowkey DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO??? HELP??

he'll stare at you for a few seconds before pulling you onto his lap and continuing with his work

and that's his way of saying yes

He shuts the computers around him down and taps your outer thigh twice. You immediately stand up and help him up. He stares at you for a few seconds, contemplating something.

"You know, I never thought I'd enable others to call me a lovesick fool."

"Does that mean you are a lovesick fool?"

"A little, maybe," he turns around and walks out of the door while you follow him with a soft smile on your face.

© chuulyssa 2024 - do not copy, plagiarize or repost my works on any platforms. do not translate.

[whatifitis]

♡ 150 reasons - LN 4 ♡

Summary: 150 reasons why lando loves you

Author's note: idk i thought it'd be nice

CW: literally just fluff

Hi baby!! :D

I saw this trend on tiktok just now and wanted to do it for you. I love you a lot and you know how hard it is for me to show it sometimes. I thought this could be a nice small way to at least show you a bit of how much I love you. My love for you knows no boundaries. <3

P.S. if there’s any misspelings dont say shit cause im dyslexic and you know that :(

Your smile

Your eyes

The way your eyes sparekl all the time

Your rosy cheeks

Your wavy hair (you hate it but u love it)

Your heart

Your brain

Your patience with evrything (including me)

Your honesty

Your inteligence

Your humor

The way you’re always there for anyone. Doesnt mater if u know them well or not

You always listen to people and help them when they need it even if your tired

You challenge me and help me become a better person

You never judge me

You make me feel safe

You believe in me, even when idont

You inspire me everyday whether it’s work related or just life in general

You’ve seen teh good and the bad in me and you still love me

You laugh at all my jokes even if they suck

You’re my best friend (🎶you can hear it in the silence🎶)

You respect my space when i need it, even if i go about it awfully (when writing ‘about it’ i accidentally wrote ‘tit’ :I)

You give the best fucking hugs 

When i get anxious, you always help me, even if it’s just when you sit with me and help me breathe 

You took the time to learn about me and my mental struggles so that you could help me better

You make life so much more better 

You remind me that i’m worth more than i think i do

You chose me

You make me blush and happy

Your music taste is amazing as well (btw i got us tickets to see Noah Kahan)

You’re like my personal google and dictionary

You get along with my family

My mum loves you (i think she loves u more than she loves me ngl)

You get along with max and you mock sometimes and it makes me laugh so much

You stay even if im mean and dont deserve it

You sacrifice a lot

You always put others before you 

You don’t mind my gaming (even when i keep you up late with my screaming)

You always listen to me talk about the things i like 

You hold my hand in public (it sounds stupid but it makes sense ok so shut it) <3

You never give up on me

You bring out the best in me

Max said he hadn’t seen me so happy until i met you

You make me feel lucky to have u

You support my career and stuff even though it gets really hard sometimes

You make the bad days better

You make everyday better as well, not just the bad ones

You never make me feel bad or ashamed about feeling certain ways

You always validate me when i need it

You never lie to me

You always tell me straight up when im the one in the wrong

The way you smell

The way you look when u see me

The way you hold me tight even if i’ve just raced singapore and am sweating out of every crevise

You stay strong for the both of us

Your attitude

Your kisses

You’re always down to play video games with me (IM SORRY FOR IT TAKES TWO I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS HARD)

The way you call me your love

You stand up for me even when im not deserving of it

Your cooking skills

The way you play with my hair

How we’re able to joke with eachother

The way you tell stories

The way you talk in general

How funny you were when telling me about work and snot shot out of my nose 

You match my freak

Your singing (even if its off key sometimes)

You never doubt me

U dont mind my clinginess (sorry about scaring u in the shower the other day as well)

You never tell me to go away

You always communicate with me

You plan things for our future

When you send me vlogs when im away (or even when im home but youre at work)

You make my heart feel full

You’re consistent with loving me. Whether you’re sad or mad or happy or anything, you still love me the same

Youre never too busy for me

The way we can just sit in silence together and do nothing but still have fun

The way you help me pack when im getting ready to travel

The way you pack my favorite snacks for me when im going away for a while

We can share victories together, big or small (lol big or small, ya know, like dicks)

You never make me feel alone

You watch stupid ass movies with me all the time

You dont get mad at me when you try to teach me to play valorant (it’s fucking hard, csgo is better anyways)

The way your face lit up and you started talking faster when you were talking to me about your favorite artist

The way you speak to me so gently when i need it

The way you make a playlist for every mood possible

The way you make a playlist for every book you read, even if the book was bad

How you insist we don’t have enough driving playlists so we always make more

The way you introduce me to new things (i still wont try fish, screw that)

Youre adventurous

You put up with my shananigens

The way you made a million stickers on whatsapp

How you always say ‘i love you’ with the ‘i’

When you tell me goodmorning and goodnight even if youre mad at me

How you help me dress better

How u kiss me in a way that screws me up forever

How you always ask me about my day

How you always put your leg on mine

How you show me how forever feels

How you put up with my stupidity (I REALLY THOUGHT THE MATTRESS WAS GONNA HELP)

You’re gonna be an amazing mum someday

How you spam me with tiktoks

Your laugh is the best sound ive ever heard

Youre beautiful inside and out

How u were able to make me laugh even after i’d poked by hand with a knife when i tried cutting an avocado

How you helped me escape the bed sheet when we discovered my new found claustrophobia

How you always rep mclaren and quadrant merch

How you always make backed goods and make them healthy sometimes so i can still eat them

How when we’re out and you can tell im anxious

And when you realize it you find small ways to ground me like holding my hands or tapping my foot with yours

You love the pictures i put in the new digital frame (you cant lie and say u dont like yassified alonso)

If im hungry in the middle of the night, you join me in snacking or ordering a whole pizza

How you know you’re lactose intolerant but still eat dairy filled foods

And how you lock me out the room when you have to deal with the aftermath of eating dairy

How you're already naming our future children

How you laugh til you cry at 3 in the morning from watching tiktoks 

And waking me up to watch them with you

How you get so excited when talking to me about the last book you read 

How you tell me about the book theories you hear and your own theories (violet’s mom was definitely venin)

How when u find me snacking in the middle of the night, you don’t question it

How we have dance parties in the living room

How you quote random things all the time, especially tiktok sounds

Your love for musicals

How you say “me and boq” every 5 mins

Your unconditional love for not just me, but everyone 

Your love knowing no boundaries

The way you didn’t get scared away when faced with so much hate and shit when we first started dating

Your strength

How you learned the “wait, they dont love you like i love you” thing in different languages

Your high streak on duolingo

Your creativity

Your piano skills

Your love for celsius (although it’s not good for you and you should probably slow down on them :( try coffee instead)

How you and my mum go shopping together all the time

How you’re invited home more than i am…

Your dedication to work

Your work ethic (it’s not the same as the reason above)

Your vast knowledge of everything in Marvel

How you interact with the fans

How you show me off in every way possibel (i might've said this already)

How you help me with quadrant shit

How you give me a room tour anytime youre somewhere new

The light you emit

The way you make everything so much brighter

How you always try to learn new things (we should try tarot reading again, that one was fun and we can scare the shit out of max with it)

The way you never let go no matter what

The way you always give back to people

The way you live everyday like it’s the last

The way you love me and hold onto me

[mothhuuny]

my nicolina post went over rwally welll so now im going to be insane about her sniles so sneetly

okay. so. nicolina. the barber. woman going through the worst manic episode ever.

all of the bloodfiends have one form or another of "i cant be honest with my feelings or else everything will go wrong" and nicolina's from of that is "i need to always be silly and unserious or else people will think i'm able to experience negative feelings and if i experience negative feelings the people around me will feel Bad" and she also projects this onto the bloodfiends around her, which leads to the whole mask thing

in her prime, she was actually quite smart and level headed! (esp since its established that she helped create the hemobars. girl is smart!) of course, 200 years being denied your basic necessities will drive a bitch insane so thats why she is the way she is during canto 7. my personal headcannon is that she was a researcher or doctor of some kind, which is also why she's partial towards the plague mask. she's still a doctor, but with a fun little flair now!

when sancho and don quixote aren't around, nicolina becomes the de-facto leader. we can see this in the story, actually. she seems to be the one who thought up the plan in the first place, and in preist!greg's uptie story we can also see that she was most likely the one that actually recruited members for the plan as well. not to mention being the person that took the initiative and sewed masks on everyone. thanks girlie.

i mentioned the fact that nicolina has a pair of scissors on her necklace in my previous post. personally, i think that those are the scissors she actually uses when shes sewing. the big scissors are for show/combat. her workspace tends to be hectic and she loses stuff a lot, so she keeps the smaller ones her necklace so it doesnt get lost as easily.

bonus abt the scissor necklace. i pointed that fact out to my polycule and my boyfriend said "her chewelry..../most likely not" in response and i think he's actually SO FUCKING TRUE ABOUT THAT. nicolina has a tendency to chew on things when focusing or stressed, and her most common victims are her dress, her fair or her scissors. basically anything nearby that isnt herself. the scissors have the worst texture to bite down on but also they dont leave fibers in her mouth like fabric or hair. she's definitely ripped her dress before by biting down on it and accidentally tearing it.

more of a character analysis thing but i find it SO FUCKING TELLING that she literally BEGS to die with her mask on. the mask is both the representation of their suffering, as well as, you know, an actual mask that hides their feelings. she doesn't want anyone to see the ugliness hidden underneath. she wants everything to be in control. if she's still happy, if she's still alive, then that means some of this is salvageable. she can fix this. they will suffer for years and years on end because they is what they deserve but they will survive and she will make sure of it because she need to fix this. it's her job.

the reason she goes insane and basically forces herself into a constant manic state is because she can't be sad or else she'll have to acknowledge to herself and those around her that they are royally Fucked. which, of course, leads to her losing herself even faster becaue of the pressure she placed on herself.

i think the resentment she holds for sancho is merely because she desperately wanted a connection between the two, but sancho denied her at every chance. not consciously, mind you, but because of how scared sancho is of connection. even in the world where she chooses the family above her father, she keeps them all at arm's length.

i believe all of this because, when nicolina saw sancho again, as don quixote, above all else she was excited. don quixote herself describes nicolina as giddy.

you could say it's because she's actually trying to hide her anger, or that she's hallucinating quixote senior over sinner quixote, but i dont think either of those are the case.

i think it's because she knows its sancho that she's so excited. shes aware of where quixote senior is, still on the windmill where they all left him to rot, there's no reason for her to *not* know that. we can also see that she's prone to moments of lucidity, as seen here:

but i also don't think... she's really hates sancho? sure, sancho left them all, and she seems angry at her later for abandoning them and never wearing her clothes, but i think that may be just what she's telling herself. i think she's moreso angry at the idea of sancho. or at least what she did. she hated the fact that father clearly loved her more, but also that, of all people, shes the one that got off scott free. she should be just as guilty ad the rest of them!!!! shes a bloodfiend too!!!! but no!!!!!!! apparently she's perfect and innocent just because she was father's favorite!!!!!!!!!!!

but now she's back and she's going to pay the price all of them did! together!! as a family!!!!!!!

just

augh

nicolina..., i miss you girlie.

sniffle

[askchuuyanakahara]

@fictional-men-especially-chuuya

(I'm gonna answer this ask in parts as it's quite long! I'll be putting my response under the read more:

(Hii!! I just wanted to say, when i first saw a post on this, (the most recent one), i was obsessed already! And since it was the first one that i saw, i thought, "i HAVE to know the backstory and binge read it from the start" and so i did! I love your art and everything so much, your storytelling, how you incorporate the asks into the storyline, you even reblogged the explanation of anon! (I js found out what that was) and i love how interactive you are, with your fans.. I cant believe id found a creator so........ AMAZING?! i dont know.. No words can seem to describe what i think of you. Youre amazing. I binge read from the bottom up, heh.. I didn't see the pinned post. But i dont regret it.

Hello!!! I'm so glad you like this blog! I started this blog as just a silly little rp blog for Chuuya but it quickly turned more story based as time went on haha! I've been making different askblogs since around 2017 and I don't think anyone knows my old blogs (which I think still exist, I just don't have the login anymore lol!) but I hope I am able to keep up this one for as long as I can.

Having someone like yourself, interacting and responding, is honestly the lifeline for these sorts of blogs so I really appreciate the interaction!

Plus, I am always an advocate for drawn rp askblogs as they were popular around 2016 but slowly disappeared overtime. I always seem to join things a little bit too late haha!

Since i also got to read the "#modask" ones, and got updated on your life. I hope youre doing really well today.. And im sorry for practically spamming your inbox notifications... I couldn't help. Youre amazing, and i love that. You make others smile, including me. I had jst finished reading angsty stuff and your au healed me sm.. Youre really inclusive, and help some other's voice get heard.. I also love how, youre the only artist i know that can keep chuuya from being ooc or fanon even though you took away his tendencies to swear.. Istg, thats a SKILL. I can NEVER dream of doing that..

I totally don't mind you writing into my askbox! I love recieving asks and seeing the little number pop up next to the inbox button makes me happy. It certainly makes me feel more human to recieve asks that ask about me as it's sometimes quite difficult to get people to care about the artist rather than the fanart, (although I am trying to do more original stuff) but I totally understand why this happens.

I'm not very good at writing angsty stuff but if I do, it'll have to be a combination of 'hurt/comfort' or 'angst with a happy ending'. Seeing happy stuff makes people happy, after all haha! (Plus, I'd love to be an animator for kids media so I suppose it makes sense I like more happy stuff than sad lol!)

It's always a bit finicky to balance between canon and fanon behaviour, especially for situations which clearly would never happen in canon. But I always try to think about how my Chuuya would act, rather than use other peoples' opinions. It makes it easier to be a bit more consistent that way (and you can always convey a message without the use of swearing! Not that swearing is a bad thing, I just personally try and not swear myself haha!).

Sigh.. I hope youre doing well, and you know that all of us love you. Take frequent breaks to rest, and stay hydrated. This is supposed to be fun, and not stressful. So dont be pressured to post everyday. We'll wait for you no matter how long you disappear for breaks, for holidays, for family, for work, and especially for yourself and your mental health. This message is really long, so i dont really expect you to... Err.. Read all this. But I'd be really grateful if you did. I feel like reading the comments and questions, youre not told enough how much you are loved and appreciated by strangers online. Heh.. When i phrase it like that it sounds rlly weirs lol.. But anyways, youre popular, and you deserve it. Although, youre not popular enough. You deserve so much more for making people smile. Its strange, a random stranger on the internet just.... Telling you how much she loves you. I love you so much, your art, you make me appreciate small things, because even just the tags, sometimes it makes me laugh. Sorry if i ever said anything offensive, or mean, when i commented. I hope youre doing well, your family's doing well, your friends, your job, your.. Pets(?) If you have any, and especially i hope your social life and mental health is good, or gets better. Im sorry if i come off as a weird and obsessed fan, but i just felt like i wanted to tell you what i felt. Thank you, for this... Sorry for the long note, sorry for the notif spam, and everything. Make sure to stay hydrated, have a healthy schedule, and not feel pressured by us. Ok? Thanks! We love you. And so does the fandom. Youre not just some outsideoutsider because you love slice of lives instead of slicing lives, or fluff over angst, believe me, we're a cornerstone of the fandom.

Thank you. Genuinely thank you for the kind message. I'm certainly not forcing myself to release updates so that this blog doesn't feel like some chore I need to complete and I really appeciate the fact that you are willing to wait for me. I also understand that you put in time and effort to send this message to me so I'm definitely going to put time and effort to reply to you!

Work has made me quite anxious and a bit depressed which has dampened my motivation to draw. But knowing that people are looking forward to the next update motivates me to continue working on this blog.

I don't think anyone has been particularly rude or offensive on this blog and honestly, sometimes things just come off a bit different than what you were expecting (especially on the internet!) so I try and not assume someone is a rude individual from the get go. But, I'm glad everyone here has been kind and understanding, it's made running the blog very enjoyable. Plus, I don't think this blog is popular enough at all to recieve rude comments haha!

With the BSD fandom, it tends to be full of theorists and writers (which makes sense lol) but it's nice to see that there's a place for me to write my silly little insignificant stories too. I've struggled with keeping up with the manga but that shouldn't be an issue for this blog as it's not really following canon at all.

And i cant wait to wish chuuya his birthday this month, and i cant wait to wish yours in june/july (sorry i forgot if it was 28 jne or 28 jly) and i also cant wait for updates or where this fic (?) Is going! Please do take care, for the last time, and stay healthy, mentally, and physically. *hugs you* and heres a little gift for you! 🫴🎁→🍪🍪🍪🍫🍫🍬🍬🍭🍩🍵🥐🌷🌸🌸🌼🌻🦋🦋🦋📱💻 And a little note 🫴✉️→✨✨✨ "get glitter bombed! And hehe. ❤ from 🇲🇾" And a boquet! like the one Dazai gave our little fashion icon in denial! 💐💐💐 or three.. Heh.. Anyways, its too long now. Love you, Hugs and forehead kisses and headpats for the amazing person behind the screen, byeee I'll be sure to ask more questions for chuuya!! <3)

I am also excited to see all the fun fics and artwork that'll be released for Chuuya's birthday! I hope I can create something for his birthday, even if it's not a big piece or anything.

My birthday is July 28th and I'm surprised you remember the day! It's a small thing but it makes me happy that you remember.

Thank you for all the gifts, flowers, and glitter and I hope you have a good day! Hopefully my response is understandable and readable (as there is a lot of text on screen and I rambled a LOT) and I thank you for asking Chuuya questions.

I hope that you, and anyone else who has somehow read this far, stay happy and healthy.)

[rukorukie]

Grins. Tell me about Lia :3 I'm mainly curious if you have a cage and/or psychodrama set up for her? Or if you don't, what about her relationship with Ellen? What did they think of each other at first? What do they think of each other now?

HGF3FGQHFAAAHHHHH OK LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I HAVE 😁😁😁

Yes i have a cage and i think it was very clever of myself to think about it. very vERY MUCH

TW: ARACHNOPHOBIA!!!

Under the cut cus theres too much here cough

Ok so, it consists of a cage where shes trapped in a spider web, where various spiders of different sizes crawl over her body, and some even enter her body through her mouth. Some of them get in her ears and whisper horrific things about her past and about herself, how she will never be able to remember how her father was, how her mother treated her and manipulated her multiple times, how she will never be understood, etc etc.

About the psychodrama part, I'm still working on it, but I'm thinking about making something related to her relationship with her mother and spiders or something like that

AND ABOUT THEM..,... ABOUT LIA AND ELLEN OH WOW I MIGHT EXPLODE I LOVE THEM WITH MY SOUL

Well, I didn't wrote much stuff about them so I'll just make anything right now with what I think and what i have IDK

At first, Lia didn't trust anybody, of course. But, seeing that Ellen was the only woman with her and all the things that she has gone throught, she felt very bad for not being able to do something about it, to maybe, try to stop it, because she knew if she even tried, it wouldn't go well, it wouldn't work. So with that, Ellen was the only one she truly cared about, but sometimes she would just pull herself away from her, being afraid of trying to help her and not doing it well, making her feel like someone that doesnt know how to help anyone without feeling like it wouldn't be enough, Lia had a lot of problems in her mind, which would difficult their relationship a little, but it would NOT keep them away from each other, certainly not. I think i wrote some stuff wrong and forgot a thing or two, but anyways!

And about what Ellen thought about her at first, I'm not really certain of it, I'm afraid of mischaracterizing her in any way because aUGEHGWHGEG idk 💔 But she was glad that there was someone to care about her, to be interested of learning about her, to see her more than just a... you know... And also, Lia refused to have anything sexual with her, idk what to add to this information but yeah she refused, even if it lead to worse tortures, SHE COULD EAT SPIDERS BUT SHE STILL REFUSED oops i think i said to much hehe :3 and despite Lia being someone who suffered a lot in her life and being a complicated person to deal with, she does her best to understand everything about her, and so does Lia THEYRE SO AAUGG4H4H

sorry if i didnt have too much to say about ellen im HORRIBLE at writing about characters that arent my ocs and i hope its accurate to the way she thinks dont shoot me....

About what they think of each other now, I would say they are very close, they care very much about each other, they're glad to have each other's company, and Lia haves very strong feelings towards Ellen, she loves her so much I can't even describe it, but she still keeps it to herself, scared of what Ellen might think, scared of them being invalid because of what Ellen suffered,,,, oh god its too much for my small brain IM TRYING MY BEST ALRIGHT,,,,

but well i think thats it,,,, THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTUON!!!! if i wrote anything wrong i am very sorry because i have poor media literacy idk if thats the name im looking AND MY HAND ARE FREEZING but yeah thats it,,,, HIH8EGEHHQAAAHGHRHEH IM SO HAPPY RN THAMK YOU THANK YOU STARTS CLIMBING ON THE WALLS

[fictionkinfessions]

replying to https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/773782158686961664/does-anyone-remember-me-as-like-a-person-like?source=share because i love my mom!!! i love my mom guys!!!!!!!! (person who just wants to talk about how much they love their mom)

okay so! my mom was great, but in my memories, she was still human, too. flawed, but like, understandably so given the circumstances? (i hate you antinous!!!)

she was REALLY sweet to me and a LOT of my courage came from her. strong morals and belief system, which made me feel better about the whole suitors thing. it was her that made me want to actually do something about them and fight back (like in little wolf) (i dont think me trying to 1v50 the suitors was really her intention but yk im silly like that) (not really she got mad at me for being stupid i couldnt hide the bruises) (not like MAD mad but like a scared mad, my bad... i knew she just didnt want to lose me)

when i was little she sang me lullabies before id go to sleep, and during the day she'd tell me stories about my dad. just about anything she could think of, to keep his memory still alive. it was really clear to me just how much she sheerly missed him, even though i was still young. i missed him too, even though i never knew him, weirdly?

she was also REALLY FUNNY. like, LOVED jokes. she wasnt as joke-y when i was a kid (though i dont remember why), but when i got older, she just loved telling really stupid jokes whenever she could. that was another thing i really appreciated her for, i needed those jokes a lot of the time.

when i got older, maybe starting when i was 13? she'd have me help with the whole plan to keep from having to choose a suitor with unweaving the shroud. i just had to make sure the coast was clear and to distract the suitors to keep from her getting caught >:D i was happy to be able to help her once i was old enough to better understand what was even going on

our dog argos would usually sleep in her room, on dads side of the bed actually. me, being a kid, was usually kinda jealous about that LOL... i loved that dog!!! so a couple times mom would take the dog and a few other things into my room and just have a sleepover with me!! those nights were my favorite and just filled me with so much wonder. honestly id give anything to experience that just one more time with her. she'd tell some stories about dad, argos would start licking her intensely, and then she'd just kinda Stare at him /VSILLY I DONT THINK SHE LIKED THE DOG SLOBBER (she ran to get cleaned up) (i thought it was really funny)

id sometimes sneak sweet treats before bed (i dont remember what type of sweets but they were just in the kitchen and were really yummy) and looking back she DEFINITELY knew, but was also weirdly good at being able to predict when id want them? USUALLY they were kept out of my reach, but on the nights when id really want them they were always just right on the table?? somehow??? i think she can predict the future actually guys /silly

im sorry if this mostly just sounds like "perfect mom" stuff to you, i was a kid so i wasnt really able to notice her bad habits as easily, and the things i DID notice i dont really want to make this sound too negative. but i loved my mom a lot, i never questioned about how much she loved me, and i couldnt have asked for a better person in my life!!!

-#✿ (telemachus -> epic the musical)

placeholder text because tumblr wont let me post ask messages without something in the reply box

[toritilla5]

What are your Jay and Cole headcanons anyways? I’ve been curious for a while but never got around to actually asking.

Love your stuff by the way!

tysm!!! i'm not entirely sure if you mean them singularly or if you mean bruise but im gonna ASSUME you mean their ship/duo ... i fear you've opened a can of worms you will never be able to close with this question. i have TOO MANY hcs.... here we go.. (im channelling my inner demons)

i'm giving both angst and non-angst...

whenever either of them get nightmares, they always go to the other's room - no knock, just climb into bed, no questions - and then they just hug it out. they talk if they need to but they just comfort each other the rest of the night :')

jay was so upset post-seabound and so distant, cole tried everything he could to not get jay to shut himself out from everyone. cole encouraged jay to talk about the alternate timeline with him (or at least most of it) and cole tried his best to stay calm or unphased bc he didn't wanna upset jay further but deep down he was PISSED off abt nadakhan

cole worries about jay an unusual amount (seen in the WotD novel) so he tries his absolute hardest to be gentle with jay if he's upset or in a bad mood or if there's smth really bothering him. he just hates the thought of jay not being happy ig :(

jay and cole dated between the end of s4 and pre-s6 (this hc comes and goes sometimes im like yeah could make sense and then other times im like hmm maybe not. but this is why we have h2h)

this is more abt their powers BUT one of my fave hcs is that since earth and lightning kinda go hand in hand in nature, that if jay is too charged up, cole can use his powers to cool him down a little. just like a simple hand on the shoulder or smth would do the trick

cole tells jay "i love you" all the time but jay thinks he means it in a friendly way so jay says it back but cole never corrects him :(

they're less close in the wildbrain seasons because cole confessed his feelings and distanced himself because he didn't want to make jay feel uncomfortable (jay did not feel uncomfortable)

jay and cole got in a fight sometime after s13 because cole was ditching him a lot/ignoring him/whatever to go off to shintaro and hang out with vania/the upply and jay got upset or jealous so they fought about it.. then cole went to shintaro for a few days to calm down because he thought jay was being unreasonable :( (they talked it out in the end tho) i think about this one. a. lot.

every time there's a new ice cream flavour at the ice cream place in the city, they both go together to try it out (one of them has a secret blog reviewing the flavours)

jay is the only one that knows cole is gay/lgbt because cole feels like he doesn't need to tell anyone BUT he wanted to be able to swoon over guys with someone and ofc that person had to be his best friend

one time jay was supposed to go to a dance lesson with nya but she had to go on a mission last minute SO jay begged cole to go with him :)

sort of similar to the last one.. jay was invited to a wedding (for his extended family who live nowhere near the city and dont really keep up with the news, aka they didnt know abt jaya) and nya was busy SO cole offered to be his 'date' but turns out jay begged cole to pretend to be dating at the wedding just to get jay's awful cousin off his back abt "dating someone" (i did write this once)

they went to a couples game night once as bffs and everyone around them got mad because they won (nothing can compare to bromance)

they would be THE most annoying couple. super chill and secretive in public but literally the most lovesick dudes on the planet when at the monastery or alone. so touchy and affectionate. you would literally want to krill them because theyre so annoying but so cute I HATE THEM i love them sm

jay was the reason cole realised he's lgbt

i have WAYYY too many to include here but these are just the ones i thought of off the top of my head :) thank you for asking !!!

[nowoyas]

koi no yokan 32: damage control (nishinoya yuu/reader)

First - Prev - Next - M.list 1-30 - M.list 30-60 - Ao3

A/N: yeah if you saw me write "coming next year" and didn't expect me to pull this idk what you were thinking lmao. happy new year here's some koiny to go with your vespertine update!

Summary: News travels fast.

Warnings and tags: Blink-and-you'll-miss-it suicide ideation

Words: 2600

[name] to Fukurodani Group Managers!!! at 16:16

[name]: hi

[name]: I need a council

~

Kiyoko to Fukurodani Group Managers!!! at 18:05

Kiyoko: does this have anything to do with the fact that you and nishinoya haven't been talking for the past week?

Yukie: WHAT

Yukie: WHAT HAPPENED WITH CUTE LIBERO BF

[name]: I cannot beg you more emphatically to not call him my boyfriend right now

Mako: what happened???

Yachi: something's been going on with them recently, but [surname]-chan hasn't really wanted to talk about it

[name]: please

[name]: focus

[name]: I maybe got an actual boyfriend

Eri: you WHAT

Eri: clarification. NOT the libero???

Kiyoko: omfg

Kiyoko: is this why you haven't been talking?

[name]: no

[name]: not like. directly anyway.

[name]: the boyfriend was today after I left practice

Yukie: is he cute

[name]: he's ok i guess

[name]: I dont. know. how i got here

Eri: wait so if you're this like. lukewarm about actual bf. why are you dating him??

[name]: I dont KNOW!

[name]: he asked and I panicked and I'm trying to figure out how tf i got here and im spiraling

[name]: noya doesnt need this right now

[name]: i keep trying to get myself to text asuka-san and tell him im soryy i dont know why i said yes and i cant do it but every time i try i just fully blank

[name]: he was like. an acquaintance maybe a friend

[name]: hes kinda the only person ive been able to talk to since stuff started happening with noya

[name]: uh no offense yacchan + shimizu-senpai

[name]: just like. the only one not somehow involved with the club and who didn't know noya and who could just like. listen from outside.

[name]: i guess he's nice???

[name]: he plays baseball

Mako: the fact that you're not excited about the new boyfriend and the only thing you're worried about is libero boy is a really good sign that you are not in the right relationship

[name]: ive had like three panic attacks since i texted earlier and i think i might have another here in a second

[name]: you know what's funny?

[name]: hes a catcher. he's basically just a fucking. baseball libero bc my life is a joke

Kaori: ok i'm here now. what the fuck

Kaori: break up with baseball boy

Kaori: but also we're missing key context here. why were you not talking to libero?

[name]: its so stupid

[name]: he's been going through some stuff recently

[name]: so we were like. eating lunch together. bc I figured the other guys wouldn't question it if he dipped on them to eat with me and he really needed to like. stop pretending to be okay for five minutes and just breathe

[name]: it actually concerns me how good he is at making people think nothing is wrong. i don't think i would have noticed if i didn't know already

Yachi: wait soimething happened???

Yachi: *something

[name]: the story's not really my place to talk about. also i only know like half of it. please also do not mention this part to anyone else for obvious reasons.

[name]: and like. we were having fun and things were good. he was flirting which he does and almost kinda seeming like things WEREN'T blowing up and it was FUN

[name]: and then asuka-san (baseball) shows up looking for me. something about fucking… idk notes or something. we'd been sharing notes from time to time because i felt bad bothering everyone else for notes and i'm only just finally getting my brain completely back from the concussion so I'm basically useless for morning classes

[name]: noya flips out. does that whole protective glaring and growling thing. but it's sorta different when it's someone I know who's literally just trying to keep his science grade up.

[name]: i guess I probably missed some context bc he tried to just like. sit with us after I told him it wasn't a good time and ofc noya's like. hell no.

[name]: asuka-san leaves and he's obviously annoyed and now noya's telling me about how he apparently already KNOWS about him bc his SISTER checked up on him and I shouldn't hang out with him and like

[name]: in hindsight asuka-san was definitely only talking to me because he wanted to go out with me. but??? don't tell me who I can be friends with??? so I told noya he was overstepping and not to do that shit and then we just. stopped talking.

[name]: next thing I know he's canceling on hangouts we already had scheduled and shit starts going bad totally separately and now THIS and

[name]: i dont know what to do

Kiyoko: I think you kinda do?

Yachi: ^

[name]: no but like

[name]: Ive never felt uncomfy with silence with noya before

Kiyoko: no offense I swear but has he EVER been silent off the court???

[name]: he's different when it's just us.

[name]: like… deeply different

[name]: i think maybe if he acted around other people the way he is when it's just us other people would see the appeal immediately and I wouldn't have to worry about this bc he'd have a prettier partner who absolutely adores him

[name]: that aside i don't think i should have to apologize for telling him not to tell me who i can be friends with or talk to

[name]: but this is ripping me the fuck apart

Yachi: yeah, you've been… really obviously not okay this past week

Yachi: sorry

Kiyoko: you should tell him that and tell this asuka guy that you made a mistake

Kiyoko: I keep telling you that nishinoya's different around you and you clearly already know that? he's in love with you and the way you are around him is really telling of the fact that you've got SOME kind of feelings for him

Eri: the guy I saw with you was like. insanely sweet and caring yknow?

Eri: I don't know many guys who'd be that gentle. Our guys are nice but there's nice and then there's… that

Yukie: I have spent my entire life searching for a guy who will hand feed me when I'm not feeling well and that one just did it unprompted

Kaori: I can confirm that that's Yuki-chan's dream

Mako: break up with baseball boy it's not too late

[name]: see but all that's just it!

[name]: this stupid fight aside senpai's basically like. perfect

[name]: he's too perfect for me to ever date him

[name]: someone always has to leave first

[name]: asuka-san's… safe

[name]: whenever that blows up in my face I can survive it

[name]: do you have any idea what it would do to me if I actually got together with senpai and he changed his mind? If he DIED???

[name]: I've watched my dad live in hell for the past two years because the love of his life died

[name]: I'VE lived in hell for the past two years because she died

Yachi: [surname]-chan…

[name]: do you have any idea how close I am to not being able to take it anymore

[name]: if I lost senpai it'd push me over the edge so it's better that I never have him to begin with

[name]: maybe… this is good?

Mako: NO

Kiyoko: first of all I'm sorry about your mom (?) that's horrible

Kiyoko: second of all that is insane logic

Eri: I can't read suddenly

Eri: for a second I thought you just implied that libero is the love of your life and that's why you can't date him

Kaori: addition to insane behavior: "I can't date this guy because I like him too much so instead I'm going to date this guy I don't like that much because I'm planning for all my relationships to fall apart"

[name]: do you know how relationships work

[name]: there's only so many possible endings

[name]: we date and either one of us dies or we break up or we get married and THEN one of us dies or we break up

[name]: no other possible endings. someone always loses someone.

[name]: this is safe and it's good probably

[name]: it'll hurt a lot but it'd hurt more later so

Yachi: why did you ask for a council if you weren't going to listen to what we had to say??

Yachi: omg that came out totaly ewrong I'm sorry

Yachi: *totally **wrong

Yachi: …[surname]-chan?

~

Lunchtime comes and you barely register it. You've spent the day feeling nauseous. Far too nauseous to eat, at any rate. You stare out the window, mentally calculating the distance to the ground. Yachi tried to talk to you once or twice all day, including an apology for something she said in the group chat last night, but you'd shrugged it off. The good news is, you're starting to feel numb.

The bad news comes in the form of a pretty girl's thighs resting on your desk in the corner of your vision.

Satsuki found out fast.

"You wanna tell me why the fuck Hitomi-chan's telling me you got a boyfriend?"

"Genuinely, I do not know who Hitomi-chan is," you reply dully, unable to look at her.

"Asuka's older sister."

"Oh." You shrug. "Probably because I've lost control of my life."

A hand grabs your jaw roughly, jerks you to look into Satsuki's eyes. She softens a little as you stare back at her. "Why are you going out with him?"

"I don't know."

"You realize that Yuu's going to be completely heartbroken?"

You barely manage a nod. "I kept telling him something like this would happen. He refused to listen."

"You could have just told the guy you didn't want to go out with him."

"Sometimes I know something's going to hurt me and everyone I care about and I do it anyway because, quite genuinely, I am not in control."

"Okay, so break up with Asuka."

You shrug. "I think it's safer like this. Noya—Nishinoya would leave me completely destroyed if we ever dated and it didn't work out."

"Oh, don't you start dropping nicknames now, missy."

Another shrug.

"I get you've been through some shit, but—I mean, come on, [name]-chan. Who are you protecting, here? You look like shit."

"I also feel like shit. It gets worse before it gets better."

"So what's the fucking point?"

"You seem really determined to figure out why I'm self-destructing and ruining my life. I think you'd probably need a psych degree to get anywhere productive, though."

Satsuki's eyes narrow. "I'm determined to figure out why you spent a month literally sleeping in my little brother's arms and then started dating some messy baseball player instead."

You could do without the broadcasting. You don't have much energy to try to stop it. "Messy?"

"Three girls last year alone. I tracked them down. Two of them were at the same time, [name]-chan. Even setting aside my obvious bias, he doesn't exactly have a good track record."

…eh. You don't deserve much better.

"…just… look after your brother for me, okay? I know the timing is rough for him, and I'm sorry about that."

"I should fucking hit you for this."

"Do it," you reply with another shrug. "Send me out that window while you're at it."

"[name]-chan."

"Consider all this doing him a favor. I'm fundamentally broken. He deserves someone who can actually be there for him."

"You—augh!" She slams her fist on the desk hard enough to jolt it before hopping off. "I don't know why you're so convinced you're some horrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy, but you need to stop dragging other people into it. Text me when you want to come to your fucking senses."

~

Satsuki to Yuu at 12:52

Satsuki: where are you?

Yuu: why?

Satsuki: where are you

Yuu: 2-4. I'm bothering chikara

Satsuki: stay there. I'm gonna come find you

Yuu: ?

~

"Alright, spill."

Yuu fights the urge to sigh. "Hi, Satsuki. Do I get context now?"

"What happened between the two of you?"

He shrugs. Avoids eye contact. "Can we do this later?"

"No, we can't, and don't shrug at me." Satsuki slams a hand on the desk. "Why is she dating him?"

His blood ices in an instant. Beside him, Ryuu chokes on his lunch. "What?"

"Why. Is she. Dating him."

"Since when? Who said—"

"According to baseball bitch's sister, and as of yesterday."

…shit. He really did fuck this one up.

"What happened between you two? You were fucking glued at the hip before last week, and I know it's not because of the thing."

"I don't wanna talk about it," Yuu mumbles. His voice doesn't really sound like his suddenly.

"Too bad. Talk about it."

"N-Nishinoya-san, maybe you should—"

Satsuki glares harshly at Hisashi. "We're talking. Unless you have insight on the situation, I don't want to hear it."

"We're not talking."

"I talked to her to confirm before I came here, Yuu. She looks fucking miserable. You know what she said when I tried to get answers?"

He's not sure he can handle it. "Don't, Nee-san."

She glares something awful. A lesser man might not have been able to handle it, but Yuu's known Satsuki his whole life and can probably take it if she hits him. He'd probably deserve it, too.

"Fine. But you're coming home tonight, you're not staying at practice obscenely late, and you're talking to us. And if you try to skip out—it's hair night, by the way, so good luck walking around with your hair all fucked up for the next few months if you skip—I'm showing up in that gym and dragging you home. Got it?"

"Sure."

She storms out in a huff. Later, when he's had the time to take it in, he'll probably be angry. Probably break something. Probably snap when Satsuki inevitably drags the story out of him.

For now, Yuu tunes out the world. Ignores the questions from the other second years. Shrugs it off when Tsukishima, of all people, asks him about it before practice. Wades through the day.

~

Noya to [name] at 13:04

Noya: did you seriously start going out with that guy?

Noya: tell me this is one of your tests

[name]: im so sorry [message not sent]

~

The guys know by the end of the day.

Based on the timing of the text you got earlier, you assume Satsuki told Noya and perhaps the other guys, not that you need to know the flow of information. If Satsuki hadn't, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi could have heard from Asuka in class. Yachi or Shimizu could have mentioned it to Noya or to one of the other guys, who would have passed it on. No matter how it happened, the fact is that the guys are looking at you differently now.

You're a heartbreaker, you guess.

There's questions in their eyes. Noya, on the other hand, won't even look at you. You keep your head down and pretend like you're fine. You're not letting relationship drama get in the way of your work as a manager.

You told Noya a thousand times that he'd get hurt chasing you. Maybe now he'll actually believe you.

~

Asuka to [name] at 20:20

Asuka: do you wanna go on a date next weekend? I'd like to take you out if you're down

~

[name] to Asuka at 20:42

[name]: i cant do this [message not sent]

[name]: i'd love to! :) let me know when

Tags: @deeplightgarden @idonthaveanameideayet @dusstory @kazunish

[maddiescinema]

first, your services are very much appreciated and i hope you have a wonderful day

second, here's what i remember about the fic i'm looking for (and if it's not real wow my brain is so good at coming up with stories)

lando norris x reader

pretty sure reader is female

its (freelance?) photographer reader and i think also best friend reader

reader was hired by mclaren to do photography stuff for f1 and of the drivers, thats where lando and reader first met and became friends

im pretty sure its part of a (ongoing?) series

part smau part written

financial issues & mclaren not being able to hire reader all the time or smth like that (maybe) lead reader to accept a contract or whatever its called to photograph a football team

its one of england's/uk's football teams (im not well versed in football so bear with me) i think

i think the team may have been manchester city? and i think i remember a jack grealish or someone like that

anyways

reader goes there and does readers job and becomes accquianted with the team members

there's this one member who has a fuckboy/playboy reputation, and keeps bothering reader to go for dinner and eventually reader says yes bc he promises its just between friends

dinner goes fine until the end where he confides in reader that the team is going to let him go if he doesnt get his act together or so he believes

then he asks reader to pretend to be his girlfriend so that doesnt happen, reader says no, he threatens reader and her career, so she gives in and he says lets kiss in front of the paps so word gets out and they do bc theyre outside having this convo and there are paps around and an article is posted and it goes to social media

anyways that dude is an asshole

reader just ignores him and tries not to be with him and interact with him going back to work, and reader is feeling really alone bc lando isnt answering her calls and she deosnt really have anyone at the moment to vent and talk about this situation to, also the internet gets to her a bit i think

reader is camping out in an empty conference room getting stuff done when she goes to get a snack and maybe the bathroom to cry & try to call lando again?

when she comes back theres someone there and its jack grealish(?) (not the relationship forcing asshole) and shes like oh im sorry i must have forgot our meeting

hes like we had no meeting i just wanted to check up on you, bc ive noticed you been down lately and the whole dating thing

readers opens up and vents about being forced into the relationship

he shares that the team is either waiting or looking for a reason to let the asshole go bc his behaviour is bad and the players dont like him and dont get along with him

and he promises reader that if she ever needs anything that hes there for her and that she can go him

and she feels safe and happy and not alone anymore

and thats all i remember, and since im 94% sure that this is a series or at least part of a series, i might be mixing up parts

if you can find it thank you! if not thanks for trying!

p.s. why is it so hard to find things on tumblr??? ive tried to look for this but im also weak and give up to easily

first of all, thank uu 🫶🏻 i’m happy to help!!

second of all, I SWEAT I’VE READ SOMETHING LIKE THIS BEFORE, like i’m so sure but going back to find it is actually impossible 😭 i’ll try again tomorrow cause i know i’ve read this one BUT if anyone knows where to find it PLEASE let us know in the comments, my inbox or my dms!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

UPDATE:

“A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words” by @f1byjessie

(thank you SO much to the comment and the anons who helped find this fic!! all the love to you guys!!)

[pommunist]

thank you for allowing people to vent their frustrations or discuss whats been happening in your inbox, a lot of qsmpblr from what ive seen wants to ignore anything besides brightest side outlooks and they shove everything else down by labelling things like the spreading of the latest updates as "doomposting".

i personally havent seen any actual doomposting (expecting the worst possible scenario, ex. "the server is over and will never come back") from anywhere besides a small handful of people who hate quackity on twitter, the closest i can find here is sentiments like "yeah i dont know if ill be back to actively watching every day even if everything is fixed" or "im so disillusioned at this point that im not coming back until we get concrete proof things are better" where its people personally deciding to (often temporarily) leave the fandom, not any actual doomposting or discouraging anyone to still follow the server because "theres no chance anything will ever be fixed".

so yeah, thank you for allowing stuff besides the most positive of takes in your askbox <3 im too scared to post stuff on my own because of the toxicly positive mindset on qsmpblr, so being able to vent my frustrations in your askbox really helps!

Tbh I don’t blame people who are complaining about what they see as « doomposting ». When you love something you don’t want to wake up every morning learning about another set of bad news on it, instead you want to believe that everything will be fixed and that you will soon be able to enjoy it like you used to.

However the situation IS bad. People are talking about negative things because they ARE happening. And it isn’t just some random drama like this is a situation that affected negatively on people, could even be considered breaching some laws and, also, be the end of the project. I don’t like saying that, obviously, but it’s the truth.

Saying it’s joever already won’t do any good but so will blindly hoping that things will be better. Tbh I’m happy that I haven’t seen much of both of these takes except from the extreme sides of the fandom (out of all the anons I got since it started very few were extremely negative, no hate to them btw feel free to vent in my askbox i just chose not to post them).

People can stop watching qsmp altogether, or just keeping to their fav ccs streams, some can chose to keep watching like they did before for X reasons, others are straight up leaving the fandom, it’s all fine, we just need to understand everyone’s perspective without jumping to judgement.

Side note : One thing I won’t tolerate here is hate on the admins who spoke up though (this + the usual assholery aka random hating, bigotry etc)

Personally I haven’t watched a qsmp stream since the situation was exposed but thats just because I don’t want to support the project rn and can’t enjoy the content knowing what we now know. That’s just me though !

Anyway rant over kkkk thanks for the nice ask anon ! Weirdly I think keeping track of the situation and answering so many people who had questions/wanted to air out their thoughts is what helped me not dwell on my own sadness regarding what’s happening ahah

[spacesymbol]

heyyyyy. crazy month and a half, am i right? 😅

my sincerest apologies for the truckload of reblogs.... plus even more sincere apologies if i reblogged a very old post of yours that you forgot about 😭

ive had those sitting in my drafts for a WHILE so that they wouldnt get drowned in my likes.... but i have some weird mental hangup about posting here without also posting a Life Update..... but i kept procrastinating actually writing a Life Update..... so here we are!!

anyways. that being said. LIFE UPDATE TIME!!!!! (no cut since theres actually some very important stuff in here)

first and somewhat foremost, i submitted SEVEN college applications exactly a month ago. for context, my entire applying list (as of right now) is only nine schools. and i procrastinated SO HARD on the application materials.... it was soooo bad. basically mid october to early november was the most stressed i have ever felt in recent memory 😁👍 and i coped with it soooo well, as i historically always do (sarcasm)

the fall play(s) also recently came and went!!! the rehearsal process wasnt that bad, it was moreso just anxiety provoking since i was constantly saying "yeah it (the show) will come together eventually" even when opening night was a few days away... but the show(s) did come together!! at least, my two scenes did. i honestly can't speak for anyone else, but my scenes both went fine during all three performances with minor errors, if any

although, the week of performances and the last few days of tech was so very brutal. i had to be in the theater until 8pm or later every single day of that week (november 18th to the 23rd), which meant i was in school for over twelve hours each school day. i had to put a lot of things on the backburner to focus on the show (and not losing my mind) that week, and schoolwork was one of them.... so i am currently once again in overdue assignments hell. my classes have been fine other than that though!!!

my mental, emotional, and physical health also definitely have been on the backburner for a WHILE now.... a wonderful example is how i havent seen my therapist in two months now, and for context, im supposed to see her once a week!!! so im clearly doing fine (sarcasm). its weird though, the play honestly wasnt that distressing for me, since i had already hit mental rock bottom earlier that month because of college applications

my physical health has also Not Been Good at all.... one of my scenes in the play (the gay one) involved a shit ton of stage falls.... and our stage is made of polished wood. we took all the necessary precautions to protect my bad knee (knee pads), but that didnt do much to prevent the ridiculous amount of bruising all over my body that i still have a week after the final show.....

eating has also been Bad. but i wont go into details about that 🫶 ive been able to keep having regular appointments with my dietitian, so genuinely dont worry about that. i will be fine!!

ive also been like. mentally checked out for a while, i guess. like i mentioned, ive been doing some research into dissociative disorders and symptoms to get more clarity on if im a system or not (which i do have an answer on btw), and i think the best term to describe it is depersonalization?

and uh. okay this is actually really important. about the system thing, i came to the conclusion after a LOT of research and self reflection that i do not think i am (or ever was) a plural system. i dont think i should post the entire esaay i wrote on how i came to this conclusion (because i dont think most of you want to read all that). but if any mutuals want, i am MORE than happy to dm the whole explanation, since i know it might raise some eyebrows that i suddenly dont identify that way anymore

however, the tldr is that im pretty sure i have dissociative amnesia instead, because i never once experienced amnesia between the personas that i thought were alters, and these personas were never really that separate from me, moreso extensions of me in terms of personality, if that makes sense. there were also some.... quirks of how my "system" operated that also made me suspicious, like how i was basically always frontstuck, and how my "frequent fronters" ALWAYS aligned with my interests at the time. i honestly think that i only arrived at the conclusion that i was a system in the first place because of the environment i was in at the time (the majority my friends at the time had the system realization and were talking about it), and the fact that no one ever really questioned me being one. which im NOT saying that i wish people had, since thats rightfully a very rude thing to do, but i definitely would have benefited from someone kindly calling all that into question, yknow?

the biggest takeaway though, should be that i didnt know until very recently. there is a world of difference between intentionally lying about being a system, and unknowingly being wrong about being a system. the MOMENT i started to suspect that i was wrong, i made it known here (in the previous Life Update) and on twitter, and i refrained from using any system terminology for myself until i came to a definitive conclusion, which i only did recently. additionally, i recently removed the system section from my pronouns dot cc, and my simplyplural account is still up, but obviously not in use

ummm. other personal updates.... im hopefully going to start legal and medical transition soon?? my stepsister (also trans) has been pushing my mom and stepdad for it as a result of the election, which sparks the conversation for me by extension

as you can probably tell by the majority of the recent reblogs, the release of season 2 reawakened my dormant arcane hyperfixation 😭 it somehow came back even stronger??? if any of you happen to remember my jayvik posting from november 2021, you deserve a spacesymbol elders discount....

what else..... oh um!!!! i had an awesome joe cool (snoopy) costume for halloween this year that i made extremely last minute :)

okay. okay!!!!!!! in terms of the future!!!! im on thanksgiving break right now until this tuesday and the break is Extremely welcome.... the spring musical (aka my final high school theater show) has already been announced, and its curtains, which should be exciting, but i dont have to think about that for a While....

in terms of like Immediately upcoming things, my schools robotics team has our first qualifier coming up so im gonna have to lock in on preparing for that soon.... for college stuff, i should be getting two decisions fairly soon (one from my early decision school and one from a rolling deadlines school), and i have two more applications for early january, but all i really have to do for them is finish writing their supplements..... so HOPEFULLY i should be slightly more active on here??? i feel like every time i say that i end up jinxing myself for inactivity, though. so honestly, who knows!!! but i dont really have as much of a Pressing Reason to not be active here, i guess

thats all.... jesus fuck i wrote a lot. my bad!!! no wonder i procrastinated writing this GODDAMN!!!!

[israaverse]

I'm sorry if someone asked this before, but what sources do you use for your Canaanite myths series? I'd love to read more on the myths, your art is so inspirational. Are they in English, Arabic, or something else entirely? Thank you, don't feel forced to respond 🧡

hey there!! thank you so much!

I have a very short list here of stuff I'm reading or currently reading, all in english. the first one is accessible without an institution login (iirc) but unfortunately the rest are not. i know i have a bit more pulled up on the internet archive but the tragedy of it being down is really felt here :( I'm thinking of finding a way to put together a list of stuff I really like of Canaan myth because i've gotten a lot of these messages lately! maybe a document or something, because i personally have struggled REALLY bad with finding a translation/dissection of the Baal Cycle that isnt 1. stupid old, 2. really biased (biblical lens) or 3. 300 bucks, so if i find smth like that that is open source i will ABSOLUTELY keep you all posted.

your question about language specifically got me thinking, i'm sure that there has to be a lot of hebrew or yiddish (older) stuff out there about this. unfortunately zionism likes to co-opt history but it may be relevant when looking. also unfortunately, my arabic is nowhere near good enough to read any scholarly articles (i'm still relearning, i have to sound things out very slowly and only do well with the harakat, much less know definitions).

that reminds me, i once found on google books a scan of something that linked the root word of Anat's name, 'nt, to 'anwat, meaning forceful/forcing as in violent in arabic. i'll see if i can find that as well. i'll try to keep finding stuff that people can access without uni logins but even then there's a ton of stuff on Brill that even i cant get to and dont know about. that's one of my greatest gripes about the academy, the hiding and clandestinization of knowledge instead of its dissemination. i really think anyone should be able to access scholarly articles, but thats just me lol (/sarcasm, lighthearted)

long story short, i'll try and keep up on it! for now ill try and tag things as #canaan resources, or #history resources. ill worry about the logistics later. thanks agaib for the message, im always so happy to hear other people are interested in this! again i HIGHLY recommend the first article by Lloyd in the linked post, hes really poignant and diligent!

[heavenpierceher]

can u do tailgate 4 that ask game

(ask game here! and sorry this took AGES)

one aspect about them i love: would it be weird to say "that he's a liar"? idk i'm really enamored with like, characterizations that manage to take a pathologized/generally seen as Bad trait eg lying, stealing etc and make them like endearing and quirky. i like a lot that he's essentially a compulsive liar who's not like demonized for it and when the initial lie comes crashing down for him it's because he was extended compassion. idk it's very unique i think. ALSO ALSO i think it's sweet that he likes crafting stuff by hand.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them: god im so bad at fandom i dont really pay a lot of attention to like fandom Trends at large. idk it bothers me when people take his punchier more vengeful trauma-response characterization in early lost light as like, Just The Way He Is By Default rather than a temporary defense mechanism? does that make sense

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: ive said before i think that since cybercrosis weakened his legs he prefers to use his alt mode to travel short distances (in crowd shots where everyone's fuckin Schmoovin he's usually in alt mode) since in alt mode his shoulders (front wheels) can pick up some of the slack... he was probably really happy about being able to transform again post-cybercrosis ;w; i think he probably has a lot of Weird medical stuff he kind of just has to Deal With, first as a consequence of just being old as shit and Built Different, then later because of the cybercrosis and recovery. in general i really like the idea of him being some equivalent of chronically ill/disabled because imo his arc has a lot to do with like coming to terms with how he doesn’t have to be "useful" or "strong" or serve some function in order to deserve support and love

one character i love seeing them interact with: is saying "literally anyone" cheating. i love the recurring bit with people giving him piggyback rides. Eveybody so sooooo nicey to him forever OK?

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: odd as it sounds, getaway? i understand why the pacing etc wouldn't have allowed for it but i'd have killed for a single conversation between the two post-47. just to figure out what is going ON in there (there being their heads). mainly because i want to know if getaway would just cut to the chase and be like lmao wakeup call i never gave a shit or if he'd like try to keep up the manipulation. get a job stay away from her etc etc

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: now i feel like you guys know by now about my rodimus+tailgate besties agenda. i think they get along especially well because they both have a weird little thing about being treated more like a set of ideals or a symbol than a person with emotions, rodimus with [gestures] His Whole Fucking Deal and tailgate with being like the Ship's Mascot Sweet Itty Minibot Who Missed The War What A Heroic Little Slugger. their relationship is symbiotic because tailgate loves being used as a projectile weapon they promise magnus they swear see look he's literally fine he's having fun see him thumps up 👍

[merlions]

Ok so Can I Just Ask rhetorically into the air (unless someone has an answer lol I would not say no if anyone offers insight here, im just not specifically asking for it cause i dont know for sure an answer even exists i guess) but when everyone tells u to "feel your feelings" likeee....then what?

Like I keep getting the advice esp in recovery that I gotta "feel my feelings" and "recognize your feelings" but then when I'm like ok. Im doing it. I'm having a panic attack and throwing up from guilt and shame. What do I do about that. And they're like "oh no just feel them!!!"

(Also "shame is bad but guilt is constructive" OKAY. SO JUST feel DIFFERENT feelings? Than the ones I have. Hrrrghhh)

Like I feel like I missed some regular human memo here like there's supposed to be something I Know what to do but I don't know what it is.

Tbh it's the same feeling I get when people keep telling me to like believe in spirituality things or else I won't be able to stay sober. I keep being like so...how do I do that? Like how does it matter to me if there's a god, if also there's literally no guarantee that god won't do something terrible for some "greater purpose" and i cant change that? Like you want me to feel safety from that? All this bad stuff was planned by someone? How does that make it feel less bad? (What sort of sicko- )(sorry lmao I didn't realize I had anger issues w god til I was told I have to actually believe in one)

I keep asking people to describe to me what exactly it means to believe in something spiritual, to them, as if I am a human being who was born blind and never seen color, and they need to describe why some colors are "happy". Or like i'm an alien who has never eaten food and you gotta explain how something can taste "salty". I know that's not the best metaphor and is kinda appropriative of other disabilities that I don't have, but I just mean like can someone try to get SORT OF creative with trying to put this in context for me??? Cause just saying "just do it!!" absolutely does nothing for me! It doesn't make sense. Teaching a human being how to fly by saying "just move your body through the air to where you want to go". Honey. I do not know how. And I cannot learn how via this method. It is not going to work no matter how many times you say it. You are going to have to try something else.

Anyways some shit happened that's ultimately fine and I know WHY I'm having bad feelings and it's not a resolvable situation really, the thing has happened and it can't un-happen, and like I know I'm getting angry cause I'm embarrassed and upset w myself, and that they're not at fault and ultimately it is really truly for the best and actually makes my life better in the long run and I was nice about it and so were they. But like...I'm still angry and sad and embarrassed. Knowing why I feel bad doesn't make me not feel bad, it just makes me angrier with myself for not being able to control it.

And I don't want to feel it cause it hurts and there's nothing I know how to do about that besides drink. Which I am not gonna do, to be clear, but I think is understandable in a recovery space, that we are all alcoholics cause we never learned to deal w feelings any other way. All the advice from my counselor and sponsor and everyone these past 9 months of recovery has mostly just been "try to identify your feelings and feel them". Like I do literally nothing but hyperfixate and ruminate on feelings if im not numbing them and trauma splitting...if I'm not supposed to numb them out I'm Just Going To Need A Bit More Information. Yknow?

[madelynpryor]

tim drake for the ask game!

ooohhh this is gonna be a mess because i love him so much i have an inability to verbalize my thoughts on him but lets go

first impression: it wasnt...great? i havent been seriously into comics for as long as you might think so regrettably my first introduction to him was that robins mini-series that came out a couple years ago. i liked him a very surface level amount but that comic really doesnt do anyone justice so lmao

impression now: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH /pos. he has his issues. im aware he has his issues. hes the object of many peoples hate and fair enough. but i feel like what a lot of people do is go "oh he has some pretty sexist plotlines actually" and dont read deeper into him (which. i totally get that) but he has some really good content outside of...well. dixon. (not to say dixons tim stuff is all bad. theres some real gems! and he was pretty influential to tims character! but hes also...dixon)

favorite moment: ohhh thats hard. im a big fan of his red robin depression spiral because i can...regrettably see myself in a lot of those kinds of actions. a more lighthearted answer would be the scene where he finds out steph is pregnant and thinks its his despite having not slept together because...he doesnt know how pregnancy works idk. it was funny

idea for a story: his relationship with death should be explored more i think. there were a couple really good stories about this pre-flashpoint but since then i havent seen any that explore it up to my (admittedly high) standards. tim exists because of death. on the brighter side holy shit let him explore his queerness in more depth. his coming out was underwhelming but cute. i enjoyed it. i love bernard. but what i think is going to happen is that theyre going to keep tim and bernard together for much longer than they should. timber is adorable and ill definitely be sad when they break up but i want tim to be able to explore his queerness much deeper than...ill call it the heartstopper treatment (NOT HATING ON HEARTSTOPPER BTW. i love heartstoppers...happiness. its just not something i want to see from tim, famed haver of messy romances)

unpopular opinion: oh boy. uh. the tim fandom in general pisses me off. i think he would shotgun a bang not coffee. also hes a lot less tech savvy than everyone thinks he is. yeah hes good with tech but a lot of the time fandom likes to portray him as on par with babs which is just not true

favorite relationship: romantically? timsteph! theyre super interesting to me. im also a fan of timkon but not as fiercely as a lot of other tim fans lmao. i also think his relationship with his dad vs bruce is very interesting but the fandom overexagerates it a lot. oh and also him force inserting himself as helenas weird little brother during cry of huntress

favorite headcanon: i think he listens to shitty white boy youtuber rap and thinks hes sooooo cool for it. he loves the fall of jake paul or some shit

[br1ghtestlight]

I am a teenager who is scared of adulthood, do you have any advice on what I can do to live a happy life when I become an adult?

I don't think adulthood is all that bad tbh!!! take this with a slight grain of salt bcuz I don't remember most of my life especially before i was like nineteen or twenty but I think the level of independance and freedom makes up for the new responsibilites, and they don't all hit you at once

general advice I guess??

taxes honestly aren't that difficult outside of like specific situations like if you got a large sum of money from somewhere outside your work or if you switched jobs multiple times in the same year. it's all automated now and you probably wouldn't even have taxable income so the government would be giving YOU money for doing your taxes (that's what tax returns are I think) mostly jobs take taxes out of your paycheck so you dont have to worry about it that much. people are overdramatic about them imo (and I don't think you have to start doing your taxes the minute you turn eighteen it's like. whatever)

if you have a job or source of income (and it's okay if you dont) and you aren't doing a lot of things that require money its good to put MOST of your money away until you're an adult bcuz it will be useful then when you have more exenses. I think my sister got like 10k when she turned eighteen just from her own jobs/savings

opening a bank account is a good idea. maybe a credit union. also saving any documentation like your medical services card, birth certificate etc will make everything way easier in the long run bcuz replacing those is a Long process

most people really do just want to help you and support you tbh!!! don't be afraid to just show up somewhere (like a bank, new job etc) and ask questions especially if you're in your late teens or 20s bcuz you're still pretty young. nobody figures everything out on their own and you aren't going to have government agents outside your door if you dont have everything figured out the Second you turn eighteen

until you get yout own apartment or job probably most of this won't apply to you. legally you're still Kind of a dependant as long as you're living w/ your family and even if you go to college I think??? and then when you do that stuff there are resources out there to help you with everything

JOIN A CLUB like at your local library they have programs etc or a book club. like 80% of adult life is just social connections getting you a house or a job or being a reference and I learned that the hard way bcuz now I have literally zero social connections. maybe keep in contact with anyone from high school that you can still tolerate (or college if you decide to do that) or coworkers from your job. just try to know lots of people its good for your mental health and life. in general. humans are social and they help each other

don't take out financial loans (like those "$200 for $20" places). very bad idea. also in general don't ask people for money unless you really need it and are 100% sure you'll be able to pay them back. taking money from your own savings is okay

go to food banks if u need.... food. its expensive nowadays and food banks have food that's mostly okay. I think signing up is pretty easy (I haven't used one as an adult) probably less relevant until you move out unless u have food problems in your family but yknow. its fine. they literally don't care

keep receipts from any large donations to charity or perscription medication and you can use them for your tax returns to get your money back (at least in canada. fair warning im Not american) also business expenses if you're doing that for some reason

eat your fruits and veggies :)